bliss

a philosophy professor once told me he that if you could see my mind in an valley of grass, it would make random beautiful patterns stretching across the entirety of your field of view.

last week, i spread the nerd on thick. i found myself with a few people willing to enjoy pondering the latest in physics and biology. we took PBRs and tubes on the river and chatted about life and giggled as we enjoyed our time together. we bathed in the hot springs under a full moon and clear sky for the perseids shower. i got to forget how fucked up things in Africa or 'Merica are, let go of my uptightness and exercise my freedoms. we weren't married to time. what a refreshing state of being.

my dear friend sent me a message recently that read "ignorance really is bliss." but, you have to be aware that you're being ignorant to feel blissful. it just cannot be blissful to feel compelled to hate gay people or to feel uncomfortable around people that have darker skin than you.

as we enjoyed friend love in the mountains, i made sure to stop thinking and just take it in. that was bliss, sweet chaotic bliss.


my current tonal amusement: cocorosie, devendra banhart, and billie holiday

mental masturbation

as i sat before the blank screen, listening to the soundtrack of my life, i thought about the concept of blogging. is this my living journal? i have kept a few journals in the past. personal journals, shared journals, art journals, all avenues for mental masturbation. i was trying to figure out if i wrote these posts for myself or my potential readers? i undoubtedly have plenty of love and revere myself, but is that the point of my posts? as i read papers on the Mandelbrot Set and the application of quantum theory to explain human irrationality, an old familiar song played over my headphones: Echoes by Pink Floyd. 

By chance two separate glances meet 

And I am you and what I see is me 
And do I take you by the hand 
And lead you through the land 
And help me understand the best I can 

i have long forgotten the days i thought i could feel the interconnectedness of existence. the memory reminded me of how i did as a small child believe in ghosts and spirits, and how much of my childhood i was without doubt. i used to believe i could feel others. really. but i have lost this feeling of interconnectedness. am i he as you are he and we are all together? or were the beatles seriously high on some lysergic acid diethylamide? probably both. as philosophically eventful ones own existence is,  the existence of others is even more epic. so, solution to my earlier ponderings is that i am writing for both me and the potential you, because i am a skeptic of your existence.  

i think the clouds have passed and the meteor shower has started. i can properly ponder the news that nasa published about meteorites holding the building blocks for dna and then reread  Meditations for the the product of the first three terms of Sylvester's sequence'nd time. 

amus.ic.ed

today, i am inspired by beirut's new album the rip tide. you can listen to it here: @ NPR First Listen.  it is wholly satisfying my auditory needs currently. i will probably listen to this album 10 times in the next 48 hours. give the track "goshen" a spin. i promise, you'll like it.

 i read an amazingly interesting blog today, "Anything But Country", that disqualifies the Music Genome Project's postulation that there are 400 factors in music similarity casting. i wish the customary way to get to know someone was to have a gander at their music collection. you can assume, if they have basically the jack johnson pandora station on their apple device, that they are relaxed, mellow people. if  the artists that pop up are children of bodom and dying fetus, you should offer that person some whiskey and some gun shooting. if they have all dead composers, schopenhauer may be safe to bring up in conversation. if you get an apple device with all the indie and eclectic happiness that you could drink PBRs to and all the beatles, neil young and pink floyd you could ask for, you've found me.

 hi, nice to meet you.

i am a hypocrite

sometimes it takes perspective to pull your head out of your ass and realize how great you have it. hopefully whatever news source you turn to has been presenting you with images of starving Somalian children. the media might then mention that hundreds of thousands of people starved in the early '90s and how - hold your breath - 18 soldiers died trying to deliver food, thus halting  food relief efforts. there is chatter around the interweb from 'mericans who think instead of feeding people who are legitimately unable to overthrow their shitty government because they are too hungry, we should throw food at people who refuse to get jobs. i am all about helping the slightly mentally disabled veterans who beg for money on the streets, i think we should figure out how to get them the help they deserve. i am NOT an advocate of perfectly competent people sucking off the system that experience negative incentive to get jobs. the business of living off of government aid is too lucrative. i knew a girl, once, who used to have strong work ethic; and one day she discovered she didn't need to work.  since she lost the will to contribute to society she has lived with food stamps, housing assistance, loans, grants, none of which she will pay back. she refuses to get a job because if she does, the government will take a percent of her money for housing. she said she would lose some of her food stamps. she might not qualify for WIC. why would she bother having a job when she would have to start paying taxes and putting back into the system? this type of 'merican makes me want to scream. it's funny, she also does not think 'merica should have international aid programs. gee, i wonder why.

i acknowledge there are a plethora of things going on in 'merica that we should address. however, that does not mean we shouldn't convince NATO, 'merica and it's allies that a little aided coup, implementation of schools, and the presence of International Organizations or Non-government Organizations could save a couple hundred thousand lives. the Somalian people have no resources. they live in the desert. they have no opportunity to thrive. they need education on how to sustain-ably live in the surroundings they are born into. i feel guilty even typing this in my temperate dwelling on my over-coveted apple gadget.  my little family certainly could use a few of those thousands of dollars we are giving to system suckers. we would even try to contribute monetarily to a greater cause with the excess money we had. instead, thousands of children are starving, all while their shite government is still in power, and 'merican system suckers are living pretty and i am feeling awfully fucking guilty for ever feeling less than totally grateful for the situation i am in right now.

my current tonal amusement: besh o drom's album, can't make me

imagination farm

Leona chasing turkeys.

Watching the goat.

Chickens

My little brother thought his junk was in danger.

Her name was Louise. She was a kind soul. 

Stella was so curious!

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Puppy Love

becoming reasonable

hoppie birdie, gma

my last post i addressed the application of making expectations known in relationships. i had an interesting conversation today about expectations. it was regarding being reasonable in expectations thereby increasing rates of success and reducing stress. we were chatting about how frustrating doing chores with children can be. take a grocery store visit for example. three-quarters of the way into a grocery trip with two 18 month old girls usually turns into a shit show of them trying to run free and then fits of frustration when they cannot run around. as you can imagine, i react with a little embarrassment and some blood pressure rising. why? because i unreasonably expected my little tiny people to sit still and not grab things. that was an expectation that i set up for myself and them to fail. now, i have reevaluated my expectation of my children in that situation. an immediate positive reaction to the reconstruction of rules and expectation occurred today. i set a goal of mailing a thank you card and a birthday greeting and thought we would have to go to the dreaded post office, but i found a couple stamps and we went on an adventure to mail our letters. the girls held my hands as we walked to the mailbox and they dropped in the mail their great gma's birthday card (first time they mailed something, tear). we checked out the tall grass and rocks for a while then walked home. it was fun and not stressful and met and went beyond my expectations of the event.

exercising the most reasonable part of the brain is not always easy. actually quite contrary, the prefrontal cortex is the least developed part of the brain and is easily over powered by the older brain, that relies on emotion and ancient rules of survival. it takes practice and mindfulness to exercise the younger more rational part of the brain and apply the rationale to daily life to relieve stress and create avenues for success.


my current tonal amusement: tUnE-YaRdS' album, BiRd-BrAiNs

known expectations

relationships necessitate expectations. hell, most of life necessitates we expect certain things to occur, it is a function of our ability to succeed as a species. close interpersonal relationships also necessitate certain expectations. usually, you can expect the person to be the same person they were last month; that you can count on them for some level of support; that they will genuinely care about you and your well being; you will probably enjoy their company when it is possible. those are functional and probably known expectations of any relationship. there can be some unknown expectations held against your basic companions.  i, in example, do not offer disclaimers to my sensitivity and without advising my life mates expect them to somewhat give a shit about them. these unknown expectations burden relationships because one person is not being fulfilled and the other person may not a be a mind-reader. i think it is illogical behavior to not let others know what you expect of them before they agree to the task of entering into whatever kind of partner-ship.

i even have expectations towards acquaintances. i expect them to be friendly and mature and  not spastically erratic, at least towards me and my beloveds. i have my own set of rules of engagement regarding any level of acquaintance: i won't give you all of my craziness, i will never be mean to you, i will politely exit your life without a harsh confrontation (unless you are a considerable asshole, and even then, i am trying to be as nice as possible to everyone who deserves it), and i will have my own opinions of you but never hold them against you; i accept you in totality. 

a failed hipster once told me that the cliche about your twenty's being about balance wasn't all that wrong. a shitty relationship or twenty are all acceptable. move on, grow up, create new rules like making expectations known.