Monday, May 7, 2012

the exquisite satisfaction of meaningful apologies

i am a douche in many ways- i am not as humble as i should be. i am pretentious and i like it, which makes it worse. many times i have hurt people or done, in poor judgement, something that has hurt them. as shitty as i sound, i am striving to figure out how to live a good life, and that includes owning my shortcomings, apologizing for them when necessary and improving my life skills.

there is just something so relieving about apologizing for being a jerk. even if i felt so entitled to take the action i took in a present mind, this future self is trying to apologize for her past self's selfishness or plain old rudeness. i have reached out to many people whom i have done wrong, and i plan to continue to do so in the future. i cannot pretend these actions are without selfishness, i find it totally satisfying and rewarding to apologize for my actions.

i realize i absolutely hate the idea of someone disliking me. this was pointed out to me the other day as i was fretting about running into a person who doesn't really like me. it wasn't because i was scared she would do something absurd in public, it was because i would have to face the fact that i am not perfectly likable. i am as certain as i can be that i am disliked by many. and what does it matter? for those that i barely know, precisely that- they barely know me. the people who have looked in and loved me and grew to dislike me, they are the people i wish would love me! facing them makes me face my own shortcomings. and apologizing to them gives me the satisfaction of knowing that i am a good person, and that person and myself were simply incompatible.

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