Tuesday, November 13, 2012

being for itself or mindfulness

being mindful takes great concentration. you can (and maybe should) be mindful in nearly all of your actions. i have to exercise my brain muscle in nearly every interaction to remain mindful. i have a ton of stuff going on in my head; that does not lead to clear thinking! the brain didn't evolve to multitask! so when dealing with stressful situations i let my emotional self drive the bus and she is a terrible driver. but if i can go back to listening to my breaths, slowing them down then refocusing to the at hand experience, i can sort it out much more quickly than if emotional ruby is terrorizing the proverbial streets.

i learned something interesting today about how the mind works. and it relates to math and philosophy! i learned that the adult brain is still incapable of negating nothing! you must have something to negate! in being and nothingness, sartre starts out by considering a temporal process of negation. a guy walks into a cafe looking for his friend, pierre. "in order to comprehend Pierre's absence, [...] requires a negative moment by which consciousness constitutes itself as a negation." (63) sartre goes on to say that one must posit in the mind that "I am conscious of Pierre not being here." nothing does not exist in the world as something tangible. nothingness is a lack of the presentation of a tangible object to consciousness.

sartre's idea is applicable to understanding interactions of humans. since the mind cannot comprehend negations as anything less than the object and a concept, when you are directing someone, err suggesting something, using negations or negative iterations are counter productive. to say "do not yell at me" is actually planting yelling, then the annihilation of yelling in the brain, which is one more step than the brain needs. it would be easier to internalize "please use your calm voice with me" as a directive to get what you'd like accomplished.

to be mindful takes energy and practice. try being mindful of negations for a week. when you catch yourself slipping into DON'Ts, instead redirect the behavior towards the end goal you're seeking.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

a chemical reaction

nerve growth factor, testosterone,estrogendopaminenorepinephrineserotoninoxytocin, and vasopressin are the chemicals associated with love. 

today i was reminded why you don't have to cut up every picture of a lost love, nor try to forget the people of your past. sometimes the pain of the facing your loss of a loved person (whether it be to their demise or a distance that quite simply is much too far to row) can help you remember what a neat chemical experience you had with them. every chance encounter is different, chemically. some people in life are more affectionate and the oxytocin you experience with affectionate people helps to define the lasting memory of your experience with them. love is an addiction. it isn't a craving- it is a high. love, in a chemical explanation helps ground me and remember that experiences are fleeting, numbered, unique and a reminder that being as such is a complex journey. 

Wednesday, October 17, 2012


blinky, our family dog is dying.

saying goodbye to blinky was one of the hardest things i have had to do. i keep thinking about how i wish i could be less emotionally invested in pets, but then what would be the point of having a pet?

he was a neat being. he adapted to being blind, smashingly. when he was younger, we took him on hikes over rocks with out a leash! one time, at BCLP, he smelled a flock of geese 100 yards away and took off to chase them. the non-blind dogs were not aware of the geese! another time, i was dating a rather dull boy who came camping with me. he had control of the flash light as we made our way back to camp. at one point i was like "dude, point the light ahead, what are you doing?" and he said "i was trying to light the way for blinky!" bahahaha! my mom and her husband were remembering how blinky would tunnel his way out of rooms through the drywall! or go ahead and break through a window to wait outside for my mom to get home. blinky was such an interesting dog. he liked to use blankets to pacify himself, holding them in his mouth as he slept. he freaked people out. when we first got him his remaining eyeball was bulging out of his face. with a little love and glaucoma medicine, it went back into his eye-socket, but looked so so so weird. one of my old friends used to avoid all contact with him because she was afraid his eyeball would touch her. other friends were fascinated with blinky's ability to get around, especially in new places.

i don't really know how to cope with his death. for now i will distract myself and love and play music. hugs are currently being accepted.

here is the song that has touched me regarding this situation, i am learning to play it and dedicating it to blinky. "...love is watching someone die."

watch my attempt at playing the riff from "what sarah said"; it soothes me.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

cliche sayings

hindsight is 20/20. - it really is not.  at best it's exactly your eye's ability to see things- not only do you selectively take in details of your view, it is a complex relationship between the brain and the eye, where the brain fills in comprehensibly for the eyes shortcomings in sight. for hindsight to be so crystal clear, you would have to have an eidetic memory, which almost certainly doesn't exist.

can't have your cake and eat it too. - why not? there are people starving all over this world and you want me to waste this cake? i think you should eat cake. i think you should eat your cake. don't be wasteful. honestly, what a dumb statement!

everything happens for a reason. this isn't what logic intends by casual arguments. there is most definitely an explanation for how something went down. like a car accident: you avoid hitting the other car and swerve into a brick wall. there are a bunch of physical happenings. that doesn't mean it happens for a future reason! those are reasons. the car accident happened. now what? survive or die. and that's it. you can find great and heroic strength in rough times but that's a choice and you deserve the credit for making it.

even a blind dog finds a bone every once in a while. i have a blind dog in my family, my mom's dog. he is amazing. in his ever extended youth, he could hike long distances, chase geese, protect our family and find the smallest morsel of food within mouth's reach. blind dogs aren't pathetic. nor are they really impaired by being blind.

don't cry over spilled milk. i think it's acceptable to cry over spilled milk. milk is difficult to get out of carpet and upholstery. it is like spilling gold nuggets when you have expressed it from your own breast at 2 AM to try to catch a break for the morning feeding, on a weekend.

just water under the bridge. but, what if it is a train bridge over a crowded town center that has been washed out by a tsunami? that's not something i would would take lightly.

take it with a grain of salt. a grain of salt is complex. sodium reacts with chlorine to form Na+ ions and Cl- ions in spite of the fact that the first ionization energy of sodium is larger than the electron affinity of chlorine. does that sound simple to you?

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

not in my backyard syndrome

i identify myself as a coloradoan. recently a massacre occured in a denver suburb.  
although a perspective worth reading won't minimize any pain coloradoans are experiencing, i hope it will relieve the need to come up with rationale and a cure to end violence:

there is no way to know what the killer was thinking; how he grew up, his spiritual beliefs, his brain chemistry. people have been killing each other since people existed. there is no end all to violence in the world. chemical imbalances and unfairness are parts of the human condition. it is hard to swallow that such a hard thing to witness and identify to is meaningless- our little human existences seem so important and we try to make sense out of all of the stimuli we process and meaninglessness is not fathomable to the human psyche.  

instead of suffering the passive societal guilt, i will love and put forth love and try not to underestimate the potential for unfairness in the world. 

Monday, July 16, 2012

aequitas equitas

hey evolutionary anthropologists, i have a question- why does it seem that people are wired to seek fairness?  there doesn't seem to be any "fairness" in the universe: quite the opposite in fact, chaos and entropy do not transpire into anything close to fairness. fairness seems to be a human construct. we gauge things by it, seek ultimate truths about it, find great pleasure in enforcing it. usually someone benefits from a projected fairness, in fact, i almost always feel something is more fair when i gain from an outcome- fairness looks selfish to me in that way. 

a short list of common and silly fairness judgements: 
"it isn't fair that i am poor." 
"it is not fair that i don't have a free ride to college."
"it isn't fair that i have to buy health insurance!"
"it isn't fair that i make $x an hour and the waltons make $x."
"it isn't fair that others don't do things for me."

in all of these instances, fairness equates to personal gain. they are all selfish (we are all selfish, to some degree). not everyone can be well off. not everyone will make the choices that will lead them to happiness. not all children will live into adulthood. not all people will be cured of their diseases. not all parents are good providers. that's the thing- you are doing yourself harm by not accepting the raw truth of the universe, most things are out of your/human control. by leaving life's happenings up to fairness you rob yourself of choice, consequence and the understanding that most of the human condition is fleeting and uncontrollable... and that's fucking neat and worth admiring, intellectually.

my most irrational plea for fairness lies in the social contract of driving in the us of a. i detest when people cheat, cut, or act in only their interest. i feel that it is unfair for someone to cut in line! or when i put my turn signal on for five or more seconds and someone doesn't let me get over. where does this irrational "fairness" quality come into my conscious mind!? also, it is only unfair to me because i am not the beneficiary of that action. breaking the social contract is acting unfairly, to me or other members of society. so i get it. fairness exists as a social construct.

fairness is equivalent of control of the uncontrollable; or the belief that there is an ultimate being rationing fairness. because you know, it is only fair that that 7.6 million children under 5 died in 2010, and of course that you didn't get that raise at work. 

Friday, July 6, 2012

a reoccurring theme

i read on the dish by andrew sullivan, that "...a study published in the April 2006 American Sociological Review found that 48 percent of Americans would disapprove if their children married an atheist, the highest disapproval rating of any named group." this disturbed me! i guess i forgot i could be discriminated against. i am a little saddened by this statistic because i put in real effort to be a good person, make good decisions and do right to human-kind. i posted this quote on my fb page and got some interesting responses. what i got from a theist (and quite liberal) friend is that some theists believe there must be a check in place (like an vengeful spiteful god) to give them the consequence necessary to do right.

i guess i am wired, from the start, slightly differently than a theist. i have always recognized how splendid and amazing it is to exist as a present self without a myth! it is neat enough that my egg dropped that month and my mom and biological father hooked up. i don't need a story that doesn't make any sense to think existing is awesome. the recent discovery of the higgs-boson (~125GeV, holy shit CERN! CONGRATS!) is mind blowing and super duper neato, i don't need "And God said, "Let there be light," and there was light." i need to understand how a photon acts as both a particle and a wave length!

i wrote previously about this outstanding, albeit necessarily vague, short paper on the probability of a personal existence. there are a couple factors that i think could enhance this paper. firstly, using anthropology, there can be more precise statistics regarding surviving youth to reproduce! we understand a great deal about each era, the climate, the diseases, the missions and invasions... how neat is it that in the 16th and 17th centuries, the rate of survival in the first year was 12%? that means, if you're reading this your ancestors survived when 88% of their peers and siblings did not, only in the first year. then, they survived past childhood, the black plague, smallpox, and the spanish flu. they survived and found a mate to make another generation of survivors to beat the odds and so on and so on until your mother and father hooked up and here you are today. i would like to see the data that Mr. Binazir published revisited and his variables reweighed to reflect more (or less) value to each century,time period- diseases rampant, rainfall or drought... with less ceteris paribus. i hypothesize that the outcome would be the probability of any single existence would be even more slight.

that slight probability is fascinating and real and worth taking every wondrous moment i have and basking in it. does that make me unmarriable? i guess so. the exclusion and disrimination is necessary from the theists and i will have to accept that. also, the rejection of my kind reinforces my understanding that it is nearly impossible to be truly open minded when the basis of your belief's parameters are unmoving and inflexible.

Wednesday, July 4, 2012

reflections on perceived freedom

today is a day we should all get in touch with our philosopher kings and consider what it means to be free. what we are willing to do for a "free market". how free we are to make our own decisions or to reject our citizenship. today i am particularly interested in thinking about the OG founders of the US of A and their ideals for the land. i cannot resist mourning for the indigenous populations of this continent and the total loss of recognition of their peoplehood; what should be their natural born rights stolen from them as if they were not human. this hideous treatment continues today, and i refuse to be proud of it. i am ashamed of this cruel legacy in the name of the dollar.

the US of A was not founded on freedom and good will, it was founded under the pretenses that some people didn't want to pay the church (and state) of England most of their wages. it was founded on the idea that there was a better form of governing, a more fair and just governing of it's men (not women, children, people with any higher degree of skin pigmentation).

although there is much to be angry about, much to protest and we retain our right to protest (only on paper), i do feel some love in my heart for "Amercia"(really, Mitt?):  i live in a beautiful place that i am allowed to have an abortion, own land, obtain material possessions, play in National Forests and Parks. i am proud to be free to choose to believe or not in a diety and show as much or little skin as i please. i am proud that my husband was raised in a society where he was taught to respect women and love his daughters. i am happy we are not starving and we are vaccinated for many awful diseases.

i beg you, my fellow americans, today as you watch the fireworks with your beer goggles on to appreciate that you can- drink beer; speak about the injustices at current and how you can help change them; control your personal reproduction; vote; own land; and have the choice to become educated.

feliz quattro de juilo, amigos.

Wednesday, May 23, 2012

how to unload / import your photos from your iphone onto your pc

if you have a passlock on your phone, take it off (temporarily) and you can access your photos like any other removable storage (e.g. a flash memory stick or camera).

there is an awesome way to have windows automatically import your photos from your iphone, as if it was a camera! first, plug your iphone into your pc (this will work with a removable flash memory card like SD or CompactFlash memory card into the associated reader). in the AutoPlay dialog box, click "Import pictures and videos using windows." you can click "Import Settings" in the "Import Pictures and Videos" dialog box, to change the location of the folder placement and a couple of tagging options. from then on, your pc will automatically prompt you to take the pictures off of your phone. you can even delete the imported photos, easily (click erase after importing) and it will only import the photos that haven't previously been imported. 

you're welcome, iphone users. i didn't even charge you $30.

btw, grammatically inclined folk, was that the proper use of "onto"? tricky little word...

Monday, May 7, 2012

the exquisite satisfaction of meaningful apologies

i am a douche in many ways- i am not as humble as i should be. i am pretentious and i like it, which makes it worse. many times i have hurt people or done, in poor judgement, something that has hurt them. as shitty as i sound, i am striving to figure out how to live a good life, and that includes owning my shortcomings, apologizing for them when necessary and improving my life skills.

there is just something so relieving about apologizing for being a jerk. even if i felt so entitled to take the action i took in a present mind, this future self is trying to apologize for her past self's selfishness or plain old rudeness. i have reached out to many people whom i have done wrong, and i plan to continue to do so in the future. i cannot pretend these actions are without selfishness, i find it totally satisfying and rewarding to apologize for my actions.

i realize i absolutely hate the idea of someone disliking me. this was pointed out to me the other day as i was fretting about running into a person who doesn't really like me. it wasn't because i was scared she would do something absurd in public, it was because i would have to face the fact that i am not perfectly likable. i am as certain as i can be that i am disliked by many. and what does it matter? for those that i barely know, precisely that- they barely know me. the people who have looked in and loved me and grew to dislike me, they are the people i wish would love me! facing them makes me face my own shortcomings. and apologizing to them gives me the satisfaction of knowing that i am a good person, and that person and myself were simply incompatible.

Wednesday, April 11, 2012

zeno, life and fusion?

are you familiar with zeno's paradox? if you are approaching one from < one, every step is closer, but there are an infinite number of steps before you reach one, so you can never "reach" one. a demonstration. in my opinion to reach one is to become one with one.  modern math and science have used modern calculus and our understanding of time to solve this paradox, read: A Timely Solution.

We may say a thing is at rest when it has not changed its position between now and then, but there is no ‘then’ in ‘now’, so there is no being at rest. Both motion and rest, then, must necessarily occupy time.
                                                                                                                Aristotle, 350 BC

while trying to distract myself from my current stresses (homebuying, sick children, homebuying), i decided to put on my philosophical lenses and examine zeno's paradox.
my thoughts:

there are two things off the top of my head that zeno's paradox are applicable to:
1. creating life
2. fusion

let's look at creating life. on some level the interchanging of DNA to create a new life would be like becoming one. while observing the stages of meiosis, the division of sex cells, you can see an extraordinary example of a kind of blending, reaching one, and then becoming another one. however, if you examine the stages of cellular reproduction more closely, smaller parts of cells, take chromosomes for instance, don't become one, but join together and form an X, taking one arm and leg from each donor to go on and become a separate entity from the original two donors.

i don't claim to be an expert in chemistry or math (haha!) but fusion is so neat. from my basic understanding nuclear fusion is when multiple nuclei joining together to create a heavier single nucleus. i do believe it takes intense force or heat to make this happen (thus we conclude the heavy elements are results of stars violent exploding deaths). there is a one-ness to fusion. although, i am sure just as the life example, there are infinitesimally smaller particles which remain in tact as their own and don't become one, just a smaller part of a bigger or different one.

so, in my own equations:
creating life- 1a + 1b = 1c
fusion- 1a+1b=1ab
too bad math doesn't work like either of these!
i don't think i solved zeno's paradox. the solution should look like 1a+1b=1? or 1+1=1? or 1+1=1x?

it is interesting to me that some of the "solutions" include there is a point (.999r) that = 1. how can quantum particles exist if we eventually convert .999r to 1?
1/3 = .333... +
2/3 = .666...=

3/3 = .999...

firstly, that's not how infinity works (that would mean there is an end) and secondly, i am seeing the application of the leap from .999r to 1 being the negation of some particles because they are unobserved. (Higgs Boson for instance). i realize calculus has solved this problem:
i guess i just need to understand how by turning .999r into 1 mathematically isn't disqualifying a whole infinite world of possibilities.

okay, now i am just being irrational. 

Thursday, March 15, 2012

love and goodness

a dear friend of mine got married this month. she is one of the sweetest people i have ever met. her kindness extends in so many directions, yet she manages to keep herself spread perfectly. there is much to be admired about this friend. she has never claimed to be in love before she met her husband. she didn't give an ounce of love to any man that didn't deserve it. i believe those variables are why i feel so particularly heavy about her new relationship status. the wedding was unbelievably beautiful and perfect and i hope that the same sentiment extends far into their marriage. congrats is not the right word, i don't know that there is an expression to properly convey what i am trying to say- my heart is filled with confidence and happiness for you. <3

Monday, February 20, 2012

the rules we make

our under-evolved PFC is the place in our brain that gives us social control. it also makes up predictions and rules based on past experience. the PFC works with and against our primitive brain, particularly the amygdala, as it's function is fear-full and storing emotional memories. these two parts of the brain, in my understanding, work together to construct some of the important rules we make for ourselves.

these rules can be simple (ha!), e.g.: the coffee at L'Autre Cafe is always delicious.
       how might this rule come to be? you had a lovely trip to paris. the ambiance was unlike your experiences at starbucks. you had a tasty and sugary cup of joe and went on your way.
       now, that memory is special and you created a little rule that will probably never be broken. you will probably never have that rule put to the test. rest assured, it is safely tucked away.

but what if a rule is broken? what if some of our self constructed rules are untrue to the rest of the world. untrue to the laws and theories of math and physics? i suppose it doesn't matter as long as the self constructed rules don't permiss unethical behavior or put others in danger. but what if they do? what happens when the rule i have created for myself fails me? my under-evolved PFC doesn't know what to do with this. i recently had a few of my rules broken, torn down... and i don't particularly enjoy the rules that my brain is trying to make to replace them. unfortunately there has to be a rule in place regarding these things in my life.

i have tried to contextualize my rules by comparing them to other failed rules. i have previously written about a friend who has an addiction, here on my blog. he has fascinating rules regarding his life and the way he lives it. noticeably different rules than when we were young. his rules go directly against the set of rules i have regarding substance abuse, and for the most part life in general. to add: they don't seem to be working for anyone else but him. does it matter? maybe not. however, when you become a parent and make rules that are security rules, they do matter. it is the matter of safety, a biological and emotional desire to keep your offspring and therefore DNA alive and well. one of my recently broken rules explicitly failed my children. i failed my children by having a faulty rule in place and one of them had to endure trauma because of it.

and i feel fucking terrible.

Thursday, February 16, 2012

dasein as a douchcopter

Here is a short list of things that I think would be difficult but not impossible to do:

1. Solving the the Riemann Hypothesis.
2. Talking a socially conservative politician into believing my uterus belongs to me and not god.
3. Finding a solution to the world's starvation problems.
4. Running an Ultramarathon.
5. Getting through the Rig Veda.
6. Winning a wit contest opposing The Oatmeal.
7. Swimming across the English Channel.
8. Becoming fluent in Greenlandic Norse.
9. Playing an instrument as fluidly as Bela Fleck.

Here is an even shorter list of things that would be quite easy to accomplish:

1. Not being an asshole all of the time.

The latter of the two short lists seems a little unreasonable to some, but to me and my relative existence it is completely obtainable state of not-being. Yet for some people it appears they have no other state of being but a douchecopter. I am not really sure if it is an ego problem (given to you buy your parent/s), or if people that are consta-assholes are suffering from some mood disorder, but it is rather unpleasant.

Tuesday, February 14, 2012

husserl and heidegger sects

Husserl and Heidegger’s comprehension of phenomenology reminds me of schisms that occur in the great religions. buddhism was born from an elder hindu and accepted a few basic presumptions and rejected other, high modes of abstracted realities in particular. for Husserl, phenomenology is based on intentionality of the conscious. he adopted Descartes' philosophy and i get the feeling that Heidegger outright rejects Descartes in his methodology. Husserl begins his phenomenological journey with the reduction of living world; while also accepting the natural attitude, of which all science is found. he says that by using the epoche you are keep opinion and misperception clear from understanding. Heidegger does not agree. Heidegger’s investigations were not about objects whatsoever, he intended to look at how the conscious encounters objects. Heidegger’s magnum opus is almost the continuation of Husserl’s inquiry into that which is intentional and cogitio. cogitio then becomes Dasein to Heidegger:  clearer distinction into a fundamental constitution of existence.

although, i read Husserl’s adaptation of the natural attitude as non-cartisian. he poses the question: is the life world the same as the natural attitude? the Lebenswelt is the horizon for which all things occur. the horizon is the a priori, fundamental round work for the natural attitude. the natural attitude is grounds for empirical observations, how things present themselves in profiles to the conscious. the collection of observable data is then correlated and sciences are born. the Lebenswelt is the horizon for which all things occur and the natural attitude is an occurring thing within consciousness. it cannot be a part of the natural attitude because it is not an occurrence, rather a framework for understanding all that is in existence.

to Heidegger, formal structure begins with what is being sought to be known. one must already be aware at least of the existence of the information being sought. Heidegger states that every inquiry looks at both the question and the object itself. the object stems from the real world but the question at hand is from the mind. Heidegger talks about this in his preliminary introduction into the investigation of Being and Time. 

Monday, February 13, 2012

a brief compilation of beliefs

the beginning of a hopefully extensive compilation of belief systems briefly compilation explained:

A: "I view god as the sum of all living things, both physical and non physical. No separateness. I think god existed and was perfect and the only way to become more perfect was to understand why it was perfect in the first place, and the only way to do that was to break into smaller non perfect pieces of consciousness that strove to return to their original state of perfect. In that way there is no 'god' just the sum of all conscious experience."

 L (paraphrased): "I believe that JC existed and had these values that I think we should live by [love, understanding, compassion, caring for those less fortunate] When and if I meet my maker, I want to be able to say, 'I lived by these values regardless of JC's status of god or not." Also, "spreading love, understanding and helping people that actually need help is so much more important than misusing energy to "help" gay people."

Wednesday, January 25, 2012

tolerance is for bad socks not people

i read this article on the integrated ethnic segregation occurring in bosnia. please read if you're interested in the area or not, it is informative and to me is indicative of the history repeating itself in the area.

a couple songs that you should take a listen to...
I Will Follow You Into the Dark
Imagine (Neil Young style) 

Friday, January 20, 2012

guest blog: j. alfred potter

I've known Ruby since she was in middle school in Hammond, Indiana. While we lost contact after she moved to the Colorado area, the wonderful world of Facebook allowed us to get back into contact. When she approached me about being a guest on her blog, I was floored. I have always had the utmost respect for her and after reading her weblog, I knew this was an opportunity I had to leap at.

Before I dive into the latest edition of "The Ramblings of the Deranged" (which is something I call all my writings), I feel that it's pertinent to give a little background information about myself. I am twenty eight years old and living in New Orleans, Louisiana. I finished high school at a prestigious all boys' Catholic School where I was the first physically disabled student to graduate from there in their 127 year history. I have a strong background in football equipment maintenance and repair. I attended the University of Louisiana at Lafayette for sports' management and worked with the Ragin' Cajun football team during the 2003 season as the first physically disabled equipment manager. I am an avid writer and aspiring stand-up comedian.

As I have stated twice in this already short entry, I am physically disabled. I have a disease called spina bifida occluta It's a degenerative condition of the spine that has severe neurological, orthopedic, and urological problems associated with it. Sad fact of the matter is, I have been told several times in my life that I don't have much time. I do my best to pack in as much awesomeness into the time, and that's how I live. 

I always tell people I have one major rule. “Don’t ever call me a cripple”. Simple enough right?
First off, to explain why I have this rule, you must know what the word means to me. But even before I can do that, one must know the literal definition of the word cripple. The Merriam-Webster Dictionary defines the term as the following:
  1. a sometimes offensive : a lame or partially disabled person or animal
    b :  one that is disabled or deficient in a specified manner <a social cripple>
  2. Something flawed or imperfect.
This word comes from the Middle English cripel, which in turn is from the Old English crypel. This is akin to the Old English wordcrÄ“opan, which means to creep. This word first made it’s way into the English vernacular just before the 12th century.

Today this word carries a heavy connotation-especially for the disabled. People traditionally hear the word and think of those disabled that do nothing for themselves and wallow in their own self pity. The “cripple” is mean and vindictive and blames the world for their disability. They’re content with being miserable. They view their condition as a curse that defines them. They hate themselves and those around them because they feel they’re trapped.

That’s why I hate the word. I have worked hard to deal with my disability to the best of my abilities and move beyond them. Sure, I probably don’t deal with them as best as someone else with the disability would, but there is no panacea when it comes to the day-to-day physical and psychological trials and tribulations of debilitating diseases.

I used to think that I wasn’t that. I thought I was already well adjusted for someone with spina bifida occulta. I am honestly now thinking that I am wrong. I am very angry with the world. The truth is, I hate everyone who isn’t disabled.

If you all only knew. If you only knew what it was like to watch as your life slip away from you, both literally and figuratively, in a way that you cannot stop because of things that have nothing to do with choices you have made or actions you have taken. It makes me mad. Mad with a bitter rage that could fuel the sun.

I pity myself all the time. I watch a football game and realise my body can’t do what those men are doing on the field but my mind tells me it can. That’s the gods' greatest trick-make someone crave something more than anything, get them to learn every possible thing about it they can, allow them to get close enough to take it, but keep it just out of reach, forever. Live like that and try not to feel sorry for yourself.

Writing this, I think about more than just this. We each have things we’re completely angry about. We all have things in or about our lives we absolutely hate. It’s true of all of us. If you say differently about yourself, you’re not very well adjusted at all-or you’re Jesus Christ. We all pity ourselves.

That said, we’re all cripples. Each and every one of us are. There’s nothing special about any of us.

I will still hate the word and it’s connotation. I still won’t tolerate it when people call me a cripple, but now that I know that each one of us are cripples, it won’t sting as much.

Or maybe I am just talking out my rear. Either way, it’s been said.

Comedy is very important to me. It's become how I deal with the trials and tribulations of my life. I firmly believe that we all have things that make us uncomfortable, sad, afraid, lonely, and less than human. If we take those things and steadily laugh at them, they no longer have the power to hurt us.
So I get billed as a comedian, which isn’t true. I am more of a song and dance man. If you could see me or have actually seen my act, you’d know why that joke is funny.

I am actually sad. I was watching television the other night and learned that video killed the radio star. This is made especially sad because a DJ could have saved her life. To be fair, I don’t know why I am sad about it. You see, she didn’t dance, and if you don’t dance; you’re no friend of mine.

Speaking of friends, my friends and I live in our house—in the middle of our street. One of my friends walked five hundred miles. Then he walked five hundred more to be the man to cum on Eileen. He knows that girls just want to have fun.

You know what girls don’t want? They don’t want to be disabled.

Now I know that no one wants to be disabled, really. I mean, why would someone? There aren’t many perks…

Actually my friend, there are. We can cut in line at Disney World for rides that we cannot go on and enjoy. We get the bigger stall in the public bathrooms that someone is either always using or has left a mess. We get that blue parking space that costs the rest of you jerks four hundred bucks to use. We can call each other “cripple”, much like black people can call each other the “n-bomb”. Get used to it.

I get applause when I walk down the street. Just the other day I was walking down Frenchman Street in New Orleans and was showered with praise by this really nice black lady. “You go sweetheart!” “Yeah! Look at you going wit yo’ bad self!” I got the best self-esteem boost one could possibly get. You see people expect you to just walk down the street. Me? Crap, I get a standing ovation like I am Jeff Dunham playing to an audience full of Down's Syndrome kids from rural Mississippi while they’re trying to eat the invisible shoulder cookie. I swear getting applauded for doing stuff that I am supposed to do is like having a government job.

Now some of you don’t want to laugh at this concept or even at the disabled. Screw you; the disabled are funny as hell. You try to imagine Michael J. Fox playing “Jenga” or Stephen Hawking singing Rio by Duran Duran. Now yes, Fox playing “Jenga” would leave the playing area looking like Haiti.

Now I have offended you. I know it. You probably liked me more when I was tastelessly stringing together poppy songs from the 80s. Eat it. I will not be politically correct. Politically correct language has ruined the First Amendment of the Constitution of the United States. We cannot say that they’re fat anymore; now they’re “geometrically challenged”. They’re not “faggots”, they’re “male fellatio enthusiasts”. He’s not a “janitor”, he’s a “floor technician”.

I am not disabled, I am “alternatively engineered”. Seriously folks. Now I am badly built and designed bridge, much like the Huey P. Long Bridge of the New Orleans area, that was built by the lowest common denominator, also much like the Huey P. bridge. Seriously, the term “alternatively engineered” brings up memories of bad episodes of The Six Million Dollar Man, excuse the redundancy. The new show opener could be “we can build him slower, less efficiently, and with missing parts”. I swear because of my over sensitive politically liberal brethren, I now feel like my parent’s bought me from a Swedish “build a baby” company.

Honestly, don’t be politically correct. PC language is more dangerous than a Florida voting booth (there’s a callback to 2001 for you).

I thank you for taking the time to read my guest entry in Mrs. Matheny's blog. If you wish to contact me you can e-mail me at jap1879.jap@gmail.com, contact me at Facebook by searching "J. Alfred Potter", looking up "roguestoryteller" on YouTube, or following me on Twitter at @Rogue_Bard.

Thank you kindly. 

Semper Servus,

J. Alfred Potter

Monday, January 16, 2012

anthropomorphism is breaking my heart!

please adopt me so you can later surrender me to a shelter who gives me a 'good death'

i had an epiphany the other day. as i was going through thousands of pages of doggies who need homes (i want another housemate!), i was feeling a deep dark sadness in my heart for all of the unfortunate circumstances these furry beings are in. in an all-of-the-sudden matter, my heart stopped aching. i finally realized it was the personification of the animals that gave me the deepest of sorrows. you see, i am a pescetarian. some years i am more serious about it than others, but for the most part i abstain from eating the flesh of land animals because George Orwell and Peter Singer made rather compelling arguments about the realities of animal farms. i have long believed that all beings are equal and it is unfortunate most first world societies overconsume flesh. but, i could act on my feelings and control my diet, aiding in the cessation of guilt i felt for the mass slaughtering of animals. a similar guilt has been plaguing me, and that is that so many domesticated animals are being wasted because "i am moving and our new lease agreement says explicitly 'no dogs/cats." first of all, let me say fuck you to all people who make choices and do not include that sweet little pitbull they bought from a breeder. fuck you on so many levels, assholes.  i know the circumstances actually exist, and i would feed my children over my dog any day, but not in the vast numbers that you see in kill-shelters. shelters are not designed for you to give up your chocolate lab because it eats your couches- fucking train the mutt! my rescued kitties have the adorable habit of peeing on my brand spanking new carpet! kittie-lady is currently sleeping on my bed, because i am a good person who understands the responsibility i took on when i rescued her (also i am a sucker). she's gonna have to kill herself to be gone out of my life.
i have gone off subject. back to it.

i had a realization that i have bought into anthropomorphism in pets! don't get me wrong, i realize it is sort of a human tendency to understand our surroundings while wearing our human lenses! but my heart doesn't have to be broken for every dog or cat that gets left behind. i am not sad about the deer i caught a glimpse of in the distance, yesterday. i will say though that some new legislation should be written. i have a couple ideas for laws that could effectively decrease the over population of domesticated animals. a short list:

-official state issued breeder's licenses
-mandatory chipping, with breeder info (i'm talking SS#)
     -fines for breeder when dog is found in wild, or surrendered to a shelter
     -surrendering fees for owner, unless appropriate paperwork is filed ensuring lack of funds
-perhaps animal ownership licensing (inexpensive, but a step forward in educating)
-mandatory sterilizations, enforced, regulated
(wow, i am actually thinking about how to let the government intervene! i guess i am not a libertarian and i am approaching 30!)

i am going to do my part and adopt a pooch. i am also never going to buy a dog from any sort of breeder (they are generally hideous people!). i want to donate my time and funds to educating people on the realities of pet ownership.