Friday, July 29, 2011

moving on

i am selling my college car. i remember the day we picked her up. my mom, eric and i sat around the dealership for hours. we finally signed every last paper and a check and she was mine.

she was my freedom: a dependable friend who would take me many places and one who i didn't mind bathing. when the stereo system went in, i thought i could live in that car. i took her up mountains, back roads, off roading in New Mexico, camping, across the country, and to visit my future husband.
when i wasn't using public transportation i drove her everyday to school. i could always afford gas for her and she rarely pooped out on me. my brother and sister used to point at every red car and exclaim "sis-sis, sis-sis!" i probably went way too fast in her, but i never crashed. she represents a time of growth and freedom in my life. it has been a ridiculous battle with my own memories to sell this car. i have been holding on to it because i haven't wanted to face that those days are over.  i have twins and live in the mountains now. i have to accept that the last bit of my single person-hood is gone. never again will i only think of me. perhaps it is a good thing that i am letting go, i can let go of the selfishness that encompassed my being. i am humbled in many ways by my children, and giving up my last cherished item of single person-hood should represent exactly that. and perhaps reinvest some of the cash in worthy ventures. growth and progress.
here is a collection of civic pics. good fucking times.

i said goodbye to my old friend, taking her for a joyful ride. found a hidden surprise in stay golden by au revoir simone. i played it could be sweet by portishead. lotus flower by radiohead was amazing and renewed my faith in radiohead. i played my favorite tunes off of funeral by the arcade fire. LOVE by PLAN B was tasty. my favorite discovery song, swing tree had some deep bass. the ruby suns cheered me up and brought such fond memories. i thought of cameron strickland and j hill as i bumped some old school outkast. i gave neutral milk hotel a spin just for old times. i blazed the heater and rolled down the windows and listened to the blow's true affection. i ended my ride with get fly by atmosphere, a song which really highlights a bass-y stereo and also perfectly fit my mood. it was absolutely ridiculous that i cried. but i cried because moving on is so god damn bittersweet.
oh, and i realized i'm going to buy a new, most excellent home theater system.

it's getting better all the time

in the pursuit of bettering myself and the world, i made these thank you cards and sent them today.

 i want to believe that the more good you put out the more good you can receive. plus, i swear i sleep better at night knowing i am being grateful. there is something unique and wonderful about feeling gratitude.

Thursday, July 28, 2011

always. maybe sometimes.

i hardly know what to do with myself. i am home. alone. the house is eerily quiet. the sound of my fingers tapping against the keys and my little computer speakers squeaking out The Bends are the only things i can hear. i think i will shut the computer off and go sit in the grass. that is something i haven't done in ages.

Monday, July 25, 2011

composition of weekends

family dinners

as we careen down the mountain of life, it is so refreshing to reflect; life is so vivid and fleeting. moments pass then weeks and years. it's all too much for me to take, the love that's shining all around you.  

Sunday, July 24, 2011

dream world

a reoccuring theme in my dreams has been companionship. i am never lonely in my dreams. i visit with friends past and present. we go on adventures or defeat evil. i am hardly sad in my dreams. bad things happen but i don't feel down. i have far more control over the entire environment. i can fly. i can run fast and not lose my breath. i can control what other players are going to do.  i quite enjoy manipulating my dream world.

listening to: Bon Iver - Blood Drive here's a link to listen to it

Saturday, July 23, 2011

the right to music

i was going to write about how the art of dialogue in philosophy through correspondence is beautiful and fulfilling. then i thought seriously about writing about how i have apparently trained my brain to associate music with endorphin release or some other chemical that induces happiness. then i started listening to music. and doodling. and enjoying it. so instead i am going to list the greatest songs to keep my brain elevated on an otherwise ordinary saturday night.

The Morning Benders - Excuses

Phosporescent - A Picture of Our Torn Up Praise

Grizzly Bear- Ready, Able

Rural Alberta Advantage - The Air

Wednesday, July 20, 2011

existence is perpetually stuck in the past

your conscious can conceive of three parts of time. the past, the very recent past, and the future as predicted by the past. the past is a place you visit; wired with treasured memories, traumas, perceived experience (is there any other kind?). the recent past is sometimes called the present. you can't actually experience in the present. your brain takes a brief moment to organize and decode the data that comes from your sensors, so by the time you "feel" anything the environment that created it (and time) has passed. that doesn't mean you shouldn't bask in the glory of the morning fog around layers of green mountains as they are something worthy of awe. the future obviously does not exist yet. it is a non-existent scenario generated by the rules your brain has made, borrowing from your past. the laws of physics as you experience them, the colors, the way birds sound, the feeling of the carpet as it touches your feet in the morning, all cog-generated rules applied in the futurecast.

listening to Fountains and Tramways by Beirut

Saturday, July 16, 2011

thank yous guys

i am certainly enjoying the challenge of creating cards. i put on my favorite tunes for the day and apply energy. fantastic way to spend my sleepy time.
happy day, gtutu

love to jules

she gives me girl boners and is greater than cupcakes

now listening to Stay Golden by Au Revoir Simone

Tuesday, July 12, 2011

mundane task of working out

you can feel the release of frustration, the contempt for the machines and the collective insecurities as you walk though the gym. this gym is busy and that works for me. i need to pretend someone is judging me and that makes me want to work harder. if i feel no pressure i am not in a routine so i naturally pick the path of least resistance. is that possible at a gym?

i warmed up on a super elliptical. one that yells at you when your heart rate goes below it's best potential for a work out. i stayed on that bitch for 28 minutes. it took me up a hill. the pretty faced girls around me read magazines about how the duchess of cambridge wears the perfect clothes, and how somebody got liposuction. as they probably lost themselves in a television like place. i lost myself in my own little world of music and endorphins. i have said this before but i enjoy any activity that allows me to listen to music.

top five workout songs today:
Swing Tree- Discovery
Atoms for Peace- Thom Yorke
Oh, Mojave- The Ruby Suns
7/4 Shoreline - Broken Social Scene
Natural Anthem- Postal Service

Thursday, July 7, 2011

happy mail

it was around 2004 i started disliking mail. the inter-web billing system was not efficient yet, so i dreaded walking to the mail box and getting... bills. that is all you stinkin' get in the mail! not today. i went to the post office to pick up my mail and got this: 
happy mail
it brightenEd the bill getting experience. i was surprised that there was a serious lack of birthday things. seeing that my birthday is in a matter of days, i assumed i would have colorful well wishings cluttering my mailbox. i'm not upset, at least the bills only totaled the debt of Greece.

Wednesday, July 6, 2011


iPod, iPad, iPhone

my first apple product, a "shuffle"

All in good working order

i do love my material possessions. it is terrible. i enjoy every apple device i own. i play with everyone of them once in a while. i had the "shuffle" before i carried a dedicated flash drive, so i allocated so much space for homework assignments i needed to print at school. mostly, i love the ability to listen to vast stretches of the musical plain easily; expanding my horizons exponentially. nonetheless my intellect feels a bit cloudy. i am aware of some of the repercussions of my love of material crap. i want to teach my children a better balance than i have today. gadgets are neat, but should you want them?
i should just be content that my family has it's health and we have delicious vegetables on the table. i should feel grateful for all the nice things that anyone has ever done for me and feel whole at all times. but i don't. i fill some negation of the whole with material possessions. i don't think i am unhappy with life, but i have allowed the materialism that drives people into war to move in my head.
today, we met dally. she was the sweetest little girl i have met in a long time. she had curly brown hair, beautifully browned skin, brown/hazel eyes. when her mommy sat her down, i noticed she did not have arms or legs. she warmed up to us immediately. she asked me why stella had a monkey on her back and i told her because the two babies run in different directions and i needed the monkey to help me keep them close to me. she was the most bright sweet little girl. when we parted, she said goodbye. i returned a goodbye and smiled inside. i love her. she was inspiring. she didn't have a clue the adversity she was going to face. she was not jealous or angry that anyone else had functioning limbs.
i feel like my experience today with Dally and my slightly hypocritical rant the other day have clouded up my my accepting the rules for the now. my quest is to find a better medium.

listening to: paper bird, anything nameless and joymaking

Tuesday, July 5, 2011

bigger, better things

i recently did a mixed media for Ty. she has finally got it, so i can blog about it!
i was so excited to give it to her

momma birdie

radiohead lyrics

the package

i even made a card

not so proud to be an 'merican

i pretended that i was a wholesome American for a day. now it is back to business as usual. my undying hatred for unbearably idiotic 'mericans.

today, some broad was tried and not convicted of killing her child and this blew up my news feed as i was trying to enjoy my 20 minutes of peace and a bowl of homemade tortilla soup on this gloomy july day. almost every person who is as desperately addicted to the shallow confines of the book of face tweeted about it. so i resisted. i did not follow this case, i have better news to follow. i tweeted that (in less dramatic wording) i wished people gave a flying fuck about the inhumane, genocidal acts occurring just on the African continent. jesus rollerblading christ!!!!! now i feel like i may in fact blow up. two of my friends have really upset me. they informed me that their passion towards the subject was not misplaced; they are 'mericans and they should only care about the happenings occurring inside these borders. i feel rather traumatized! is this why all of the jews died? the 'merican sheeple were mislead to believe it was none of our business? even though this country  entirely profits from others being taken advantage of then MURDERED, it isn't our business and we should be passionate about a single child's life being taken within our country?

my heart hurts. i have tears. not for a child, whom i did not know but is easily relate-able to my own children, but for the people of the world. i fucking love everyone on this planet. if i don't know you personally, i love you as a human, in ar riyad, france, yemen, the congo, denver, the czech republic, florida, hammond IN, quezaltenango, ipoh... where the fuck ever, I LOVE YOU. i will raise my children to be loving kind caring compassionate human beings as well.