moving on

i am selling my college car. i remember the day we picked her up. my mom, eric and i sat around the dealership for hours. we finally signed every last paper and a check and she was mine.

she was my freedom: a dependable friend who would take me many places and one who i didn't mind bathing. when the stereo system went in, i thought i could live in that car. i took her up mountains, back roads, off roading in New Mexico, camping, across the country, and to visit my future husband.
when i wasn't using public transportation i drove her everyday to school. i could always afford gas for her and she rarely pooped out on me. my brother and sister used to point at every red car and exclaim "sis-sis, sis-sis!" i probably went way too fast in her, but i never crashed. she represents a time of growth and freedom in my life. it has been a ridiculous battle with my own memories to sell this car. i have been holding on to it because i haven't wanted to face that those days are over.  i have twins and live in the mountains now. i have to accept that the last bit of my single person-hood is gone. never again will i only think of me. perhaps it is a good thing that i am letting go, i can let go of the selfishness that encompassed my being. i am humbled in many ways by my children, and giving up my last cherished item of single person-hood should represent exactly that. and perhaps reinvest some of the cash in worthy ventures. growth and progress.
here is a collection of civic pics. good fucking times.

i said goodbye to my old friend, taking her for a joyful ride. found a hidden surprise in stay golden by au revoir simone. i played it could be sweet by portishead. lotus flower by radiohead was amazing and renewed my faith in radiohead. i played my favorite tunes off of funeral by the arcade fire. LOVE by PLAN B was tasty. my favorite discovery song, swing tree had some deep bass. the ruby suns cheered me up and brought such fond memories. i thought of cameron strickland and j hill as i bumped some old school outkast. i gave neutral milk hotel a spin just for old times. i blazed the heater and rolled down the windows and listened to the blow's true affection. i ended my ride with get fly by atmosphere, a song which really highlights a bass-y stereo and also perfectly fit my mood. it was absolutely ridiculous that i cried. but i cried because moving on is so god damn bittersweet.
oh, and i realized i'm going to buy a new, most excellent home theater system.

it's getting better all the time

in the pursuit of bettering myself and the world, i made these thank you cards and sent them today.

 i want to believe that the more good you put out the more good you can receive. plus, i swear i sleep better at night knowing i am being grateful. there is something unique and wonderful about feeling gratitude.

always. maybe sometimes.

i hardly know what to do with myself. i am home. alone. the house is eerily quiet. the sound of my fingers tapping against the keys and my little computer speakers squeaking out The Bends are the only things i can hear. i think i will shut the computer off and go sit in the grass. that is something i haven't done in ages.

composition of weekends

hiking

family dinners

as we careen down the mountain of life, it is so refreshing to reflect; life is so vivid and fleeting. moments pass then weeks and years. it's all too much for me to take, the love that's shining all around you.  

dream world

a reoccuring theme in my dreams has been companionship. i am never lonely in my dreams. i visit with friends past and present. we go on adventures or defeat evil. i am hardly sad in my dreams. bad things happen but i don't feel down. i have far more control over the entire environment. i can fly. i can run fast and not lose my breath. i can control what other players are going to do.  i quite enjoy manipulating my dream world.


listening to: Bon Iver - Blood Drive here's a link to listen to it

the right to music

i was going to write about how the art of dialogue in philosophy through correspondence is beautiful and fulfilling. then i thought seriously about writing about how i have apparently trained my brain to associate music with endorphin release or some other chemical that induces happiness. then i started listening to music. and doodling. and enjoying it. so instead i am going to list the greatest songs to keep my brain elevated on an otherwise ordinary saturday night.


The Morning Benders - Excuses

Phosporescent - A Picture of Our Torn Up Praise

Grizzly Bear- Ready, Able

Rural Alberta Advantage - The Air

existence is perpetually stuck in the past

your conscious can conceive of three parts of time. the past, the very recent past, and the future as predicted by the past. the past is a place you visit; wired with treasured memories, traumas, perceived experience (is there any other kind?). the recent past is sometimes called the present. you can't actually experience in the present. your brain takes a brief moment to organize and decode the data that comes from your sensors, so by the time you "feel" anything the environment that created it (and time) has passed. that doesn't mean you shouldn't bask in the glory of the morning fog around layers of green mountains as they are something worthy of awe. the future obviously does not exist yet. it is a non-existent scenario generated by the rules your brain has made, borrowing from your past. the laws of physics as you experience them, the colors, the way birds sound, the feeling of the carpet as it touches your feet in the morning, all cog-generated rules applied in the futurecast.

listening to Fountains and Tramways by Beirut