warning: still not very good. but i like it and your attention.

the rip. a song by portishead. but me on the ukulele. 

useless words

no, this won't be an emotional post regarding empty promises or political shortcomings. i decided to start a compilation of words that i would like to see less of, also, hear less of.
-very, because it is without value as a qualifier. 
 e.g. I have a very wide range of interests. [translation] I have an amount of interests. [better yet] my interests vary from love and meditation, through philosophy, into the sciences, and, around to music.              
 - a lot, because it means a grouping of things not a real quantity (I am guilty of using this often, I lose.) 
 e.g. I miss you, a lot. [translation] I miss you, a quantity of something. [or] I miss you, a quantity of things that are missed. [better yet] Missing you feels equivalent to hours spent having dental work.
- really, unless it is being used as a question regarding something's actuality, it is a useless quantifier.
 e.g. I really want a new bed. [translation] I don't figuratively want a new bed. [better yet] I want a new bed about as much as I like to shower.

to be continued?

covers that i lovers

watch with discretion- i am a hack of a guitar player and a singer :P

being for itself or mindfulness

being mindful takes great concentration. you can (and maybe should) be mindful in nearly all of your actions. i have to exercise my brain muscle in nearly every interaction to remain mindful. i have a ton of stuff going on in my head; that does not lead to clear thinking! the brain didn't evolve to multitask! so when dealing with stressful situations i let my emotional self drive the bus and she is a terrible driver. but if i can go back to listening to my breaths, slowing them down then refocusing to the at hand experience, i can sort it out much more quickly than if emotional ruby is terrorizing the proverbial streets.

i learned something interesting today about how the mind works. and it relates to math and philosophy! i learned that the adult brain is still incapable of negating nothing! you must have something to negate! in being and nothingness, sartre starts out by considering a temporal process of negation. a guy walks into a cafe looking for his friend, pierre. "in order to comprehend Pierre's absence, [...] requires a negative moment by which consciousness constitutes itself as a negation." (63) sartre goes on to say that one must posit in the mind that "I am conscious of Pierre not being here." nothing does not exist in the world as something tangible. nothingness is a lack of the presentation of a tangible object to consciousness.

sartre's idea is applicable to understanding interactions of humans. since the mind cannot comprehend negations as anything less than the object and a concept, when you are directing someone, err suggesting something, using negations or negative iterations are counter productive. to say "do not yell at me" is actually planting yelling, then the annihilation of yelling in the brain, which is one more step than the brain needs. it would be easier to internalize "please use your calm voice with me" as a directive to get what you'd like accomplished.

to be mindful takes energy and practice. try being mindful of negations for a week. when you catch yourself slipping into DON'Ts, instead redirect the behavior towards the end goal you're seeking.

a chemical reaction

nerve growth factor, testosterone,estrogen, dopamine, norepinephrine, serotonin, oxytocin, and vasopressin are the chemicals associated with love. 

today i was reminded why you don't have to cut up every picture of a lost love, nor try to forget the people of your past. sometimes the pain of the facing your loss of a loved person (whether it be to their demise or a distance that quite simply is much too far to row) can help you remember what a neat chemical experience you had with them. every chance encounter is different, chemically. some people in life are more affectionate and the oxytocin you experience with affectionate people helps to define the lasting memory of your experience with them. love is an addiction. it isn't a craving- it is a high. love, in a chemical explanation helps ground me and remember that experiences are fleeting, numbered, unique and a reminder that being as such is a complex journey. 

blinky

blinky, our family dog is dying.

saying goodbye to blinky was one of the hardest things i have had to do. i keep thinking about how i wish i could be less emotionally invested in pets, but then what would be the point of having a pet?


he was a neat being. he adapted to being blind, smashingly. when he was younger, we took him on hikes over rocks with out a leash! one time, at BCLP, he smelled a flock of geese 100 yards away and took off to chase them. the non-blind dogs were not aware of the geese! another time, i was dating a rather dull boy who came camping with me. he had control of the flash light as we made our way back to camp. at one point i was like "dude, point the light ahead, what are you doing?" and he said "i was trying to light the way for blinky!" bahahaha! my mom and her husband were remembering how blinky would tunnel his way out of rooms through the drywall! or go ahead and break through a window to wait outside for my mom to get home. blinky was such an interesting dog. he liked to use blankets to pacify himself, holding them in his mouth as he slept. he freaked people out. when we first got him his remaining eyeball was bulging out of his face. with a little love and glaucoma medicine, it went back into his eye-socket, but looked so so so weird. one of my old friends used to avoid all contact with him because she was afraid his eyeball would touch her. other friends were fascinated with blinky's ability to get around, especially in new places.

i don't really know how to cope with his death. for now i will distract myself and love and play music. hugs are currently being accepted.

here is the song that has touched me regarding this situation, i am learning to play it and dedicating it to blinky. "...love is watching someone die."

watch my attempt at playing the riff from "what sarah said"; it soothes me.

cliche sayings

hindsight is 20/20. - it really is not.  at best it's exactly your eye's ability to see things- not only do you selectively take in details of your view, it is a complex relationship between the brain and the eye, where the brain fills in comprehensibly for the eyes shortcomings in sight. for hindsight to be so crystal clear, you would have to have an eidetic memory, which almost certainly doesn't exist.

can't have your cake and eat it too. - why not? there are people starving all over this world and you want me to waste this cake? i think you should eat cake. i think you should eat your cake. don't be wasteful. honestly, what a dumb statement!

everything happens for a reason. this isn't what logic intends by casual arguments. there is most definitely an explanation for how something went down. like a car accident: you avoid hitting the other car and swerve into a brick wall. there are a bunch of physical happenings. that doesn't mean it happens for a future reason! those are reasons. the car accident happened. now what? survive or die. and that's it. you can find great and heroic strength in rough times but that's a choice and you deserve the credit for making it.

even a blind dog finds a bone every once in a while. i have a blind dog in my family, my mom's dog. he is amazing. in his ever extended youth, he could hike long distances, chase geese, protect our family and find the smallest morsel of food within mouth's reach. blind dogs aren't pathetic. nor are they really impaired by being blind.

don't cry over spilled milk. i think it's acceptable to cry over spilled milk. milk is difficult to get out of carpet and upholstery. it is like spilling gold nuggets when you have expressed it from your own breast at 2 AM to try to catch a break for the morning feeding, on a weekend.

just water under the bridge. but, what if it is a train bridge over a crowded town center that has been washed out by a tsunami? that's not something i would would take lightly.

take it with a grain of salt. a grain of salt is complex. sodium reacts with chlorine to form Na⁺ ions and Cl^- ions in spite of the fact that the first ionization energy of sodium is larger than the electron affinity of chlorine. does that sound simple to you?