Wednesday, August 31, 2011

growing pains

in recent years i have done a significant amount of growing. motherhood, the end of college, moving across the state and the number attached to my existence have aided in my personal growth. i know now i need to grow in another way. i need to forgive myself. i was once young, immature and way more bitchy. i knowingly burned bridges, used people, was terribly selfish and probably hurt many people with my ignorance. when i remember something i am sorry for i try to apologize with sincerity. when i think of something i am grateful for, i log it, and will some day show my appreciation. this effort has not lead me to feeling great about myself. i often think about how wrong i have been and yearn to go back with my 27 year old self and sit my 22 year old self down and have a talk. not that 22 year old ruby would listen, she knew everything. if i could sit down with my younger self, i bet i would tell her this:

you may be smart but you don't know everything and your way certainly isn't the only one. you are beautiful and deserve greatness but no more than anyone else. try to be as polite, humble and compassionate to every last person you meet. even if you didn't offend them, the first and lasting impression of yourself may haunt you. try to be more considerate! your little agenda may seem muy importanto but it really is not anymore important than anyone else's. also, take care to love yourself more. you deserve love. especially your own love.

i'm not sure i am equipped to forgive myself today. but i'm putting it on my bucket list. i liken it to loving yourself; how can you love another person if you don't love yourself? how can you forgive others if you don't forgive yourself?

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